Automatic Attitudinal Response-
While going over some of my blog posts all I could think about was the discussion we had in class about racism. The girl who had posted on her Facebook that she was a racist in particular. This discussion along with the discussion on religion have been the two that have stuck at the front of my brain. My whole life growing up I was surrounded by middle class people who were typically all white and we really had no diversity. Yet I thought since I was traveling and didn't use the N word and knew that racism was bad, that I was not racist. Now I have come to realize I have these terrible defaults and acknowledging them is just the start. My dad is my favorite person in the world, but it has taken time for him to adjust. He was raised by two very racists upper class white people who had no culture and thought they could use derogatory terms. Not being that bad made me feel good. But it doesn't mean I don't have those thoughts. I have noticed my min biases come when I am alone. Because I am scared. I am not sure what has happened to me, to make it so I feel this way, but I wish I didn't. It is not all the time, but a lot of the time I am in a new place with new people I get nervous and start to process and make those judgements. I have been trying my best to take them away because I know they are stupid, but they are deep rooted in me. If you have time whoever is reading this go play White Privilege II by Macklemore. Just really listen because this song is great at describing how I have always felt. I am not sure why I am more comfortable going to a PRIDE walk or rally then I am a BLM rally because I am not a part of the LGBTQ community or the black one, but I feel okay in one and discouraged in the other. After going back on my posts I realized how all I wanted was for those good grades and to be able to not sound stupid. I just read Millies post after being stuck in mine and honestly I have felt the same all semester. I have been apprehensive to post because I am now realizing how little I know and I hate being uneducated. I am scared of knowing nothing and sounding dumb and being dumb. I just want to know, but you can't know everything. I want to help everyone, but I don't think I ma capable and I know I just need to educated myself and spread knowledge and love and then try and find the answer if one exisits. My default has been intelligent. I am too scared to admit when I think one thing, but the only reason I think the is because I heard someone else say it. I don't actually know. And I have realized I relied too much on others and so I feel as though I have just been trying to gain my own opinions based off of little bits of research. My defaults aren't even fully my own opinion and thats hard for me to say.